How to Discuss End-of-Life Plans With Your Parents

Maybe you’ve tried to broach what-if scenarios with your parents. “What if there is a car accident? Do you have a will? Who would be in charge?” Maybe they got nervous and shut it down. Maybe they said they can figure it out later.

But if your parents do not have a quality estate plan—legal documents making financial, personal, and healthcare decisions ahead of time—they need to. Otherwise, upon death, your experience may be one of the following:

• I wish I could ask her what type of medical intervention she wants.
• Who did he want to take care of the dog?
• I can’t believe I have to plan a funeral and find the deed to their house at the same time.
• Everyone’s emotions are all over the place. I’m having a hard time having a rational conversation with my family members.

Death is a milestone event in each of our lives, and although it can make anyone feel out of control—there is great power in preparing for it now. If your parents set up an estate plan, you will have a map telling you what matters most to them.

When Can I Bring it up?

• Ahead of Time: These talks are easier when the topic isn’t looming.
• Before a Trip: If your parents are traveling, you have a natural opportunity to learn what legal preparations they’ve made: “If something happened, where would I find your documents?”
• After a Loss in the Family: When it is appropriate, reflect on the experience together, then follow up with an open-ended question such as, “How would you like it to be for you?”
• Quiet, Relaxed Moment: Older generations may feel the conversation is taboo. Find a time such as a quiet afternoon, a morning coffee, or following a family gathering to gently broach the subject.
• Ask for Their Advice: “I’m thinking about setting up a will. Do you have one? Have you worked with an attorney to make yours?”
• After You’ve Made Your Own Estate Plan: Share your experience and ask your parents about theirs.

Okay, I’ve Found a Time. How Do I Approach It?

With care and curiosity. You may not cover everything in one sitting, and that’s okay! Here are some considerations when starting the conversation:

• Planning ahead doesn’t mean death is imminent. It means peace of mind.
• Reassure them. An estate plan puts your parents in the driver’s seat for times they can’t speak for themselves. You don’t want to end up guessing what they would have wanted.
• Share the stakes. Without a quality estate plan, state laws may decide what happens.
• Their estate plan is ultimately a gift to your family, so consider including any siblings in the conversation.
• End on a positive note. Close with an invitation to a dinner or family event.

What If my Parents DO Have an Estate Plan?

Below are some questions that you may want to ask:

• Where is the plan kept?
• Can you share what type of plan you have? (Will, Trust, etc).
• Do you still have your originals? Would someone be able to access it in an emergency? Does anyone have copies?
• Which attorney or law firm drafted the documents? Do you want us to consult with that firm to help us when needed?
• Has it been regularly reviewed and updated? Does it still properly capture your desires and intentions?
• Has anything happened since you got the documents that might change it? For example: incapacity, divorces, deaths.
• Do you have instructions about titling your assets and designating beneficiaries? Have you completed that process for all your assets (including any acquired after establishing your estate plan)?

This last bullet point is important because this area is a common reason that estate plans would not work as intended.

Estate plans rely on the responsible party properly titling all their assets/belongings as well as designating beneficiaries. (For example, correctly naming beneficiaries for each account, transferring property into a trust, etc.) If your parents have an estate plan but have not completed those steps, there is an increased chance that their estate plan would fail.

What Do I Do If My Parents Do NOT Have an Estate Plan?

Practically nothing is set in stone unless it is in writing. So know that if you have a conversation with your parents about what they would want for end-of-life decisions—this is not something a court will necessarily honor. In general, there are strict sets of rules dictating end-of-life decisions unless the individual signs specific estate planning documents.

If your parents do not have an estate plan, you will want to focus on two goals:

1. Help them understand what an estate plan entails and why it is necessary.
2. Encourage them to set a quality plan up through a law firm.

See TABLE 1 for example questions that you could ask your parents to help
gauge their awareness and intentions. Please note that these are examples; you would not have to ask all of them.

See TABLE 2 for example questions that gently encourage them to move
forward with making an estate plan.

Table 1

• Have you thought about what would happen if you became seriously ill or passed away?
• Do you have any written instructions about what you want to happen with your assets or property?
• Do you know what would happen if you didn’t have a will or trust?
• Have you thought about who you’d want to make decisions for you if you couldn’t speak for yourself?
• Have you named someone to take care of your financial matters if you’re unable to?
• Are there any specific wishes you want to make sure are honored? (e.g. burial preferences, heirlooms, charitable gifts)

Property and Financial Questions

• Are all your financial accounts easy to locate and access?
• Do you have a safe deposit box or digital files or assets that someone should know about?
• Have you ever created a list of your assets and liabilities (what you own and what you owe)?
• Are there any sentimental or valuable items you want to be sure go to specific people?

Family and Legacy Questions

• What do you hope to leave behind for your family—financially or emotionally?
• Are there any family stories, traditions, or values you’d want to preserve or pass on?
• Have you thought about how to avoid family misunderstandings or conflicts when you’re gone?
• Is there anything you’d want to say to your loved ones if you weren’t around to say it?

Table 2

• Would you feel comfortable talking to an estate planning attorney to get things in order?
• Would you like help getting started—maybe finding someone local or setting up a meeting?
• Is there anything holding you back from making a plan?
• Can we work on this together so you know everything is taken care of the way you want?

Your Parents Deserve Peace of Mind and So Do You

Talking to your parents about estate planning isn’t easy, but helping them put a clear, thoughtful plan in place is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your family. If your loved ones don’t have a plan—or if theirs hasn’t been reviewed in years—it’s time to take the next step. At the Law Office of Andrew Rowe, P.A., we help families put meaningful plans in writing so no one is left guessing when it matters most. Contact us online or call 316-202-0131 for a confidential consultation.